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(no subject)

Jan. 30th, 2007 | 01:46 pm

guess who's on academic probation?

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(no subject)

Dec. 24th, 2006 | 12:18 am

i was a wad of tissue
that You could have easily discarded,
the way people do with most paper things,
but for whatever reason, You chose not to.
how kind of You.

now i should be growing up,
but i am not.
i am growing down, shrinking,
curling back into that crescent position.
i feel it in my back and in all of my bones.
i am going back to tissue
and no one can stop it.

this isn't supposed to happen.
it goes against all the rules.
i think something has gone terribly wrong
and i think it is something You've done.

i am becoming transparent and pink
in front of your own eyes.
there is now a cord emerging from my belly
and it is pulling me.
i think it is pulling me back into You
and i cannot stop this.

and everything moves backwards,
and all that was behind me is in front of me now.
i am being pulled all the way back
to the moment when i first began,
and i am folding into the core of myself.
i am folding into a nothing that is large and consuming
and You don't even know i'm in here.

now the black is coming over me,
and i think this is the part where i go.
i go into a big,dark waste paper basket
where the other wads of tissue went long before me.
i belong in there too.

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On Beauty

Dec. 19th, 2006 | 12:15 am

everyone used to tell me that when i grew up,
i would be very beautiful. then i grew up,
and it didn't happen that way.

then, last night i dreamed that i was a cocaine addict
and everyone said that i was getting too skinny and unrecognizable,
but when i looked at myself in the mirror,
i was still the same.

and they used to say that my skin was too yellow,
that i wasn't brown or black or white, but yellow.
and then one day i was in a hospital bed,
and i couldn't understand anything except that i had to pee,
and so a lady took me to a bathroom
where i looked into the mirror and i saw
that i had no color at all anymore,
and that i was as white as the walls behind me.

and back in the day,
people used to tell me that i looked as if
i had gotten socked in both eyes, everyday,
and that if got some sleep,
the dark circles around my eyes wouldn't look so dark.
but today is December 18 and January is just around the corner,
and i think it is safe to say
that i have slept away a year of my life,
and my eyes wouldn't show it still.

then there was a time when i thought that
i had beauty but then i ruined it and i could never be that way again,
and so i became ugly.
but then i realized that it was just my arms that were ugly,
and not the rest of me,
then i became salvageable.

and then i've been in places where beauty didn't matter,
could not have mattered,
and i've been in situations where beauty could not get me out of.
then i saw that beauty could not save anyone from anything,
and it became useless to me.

and now i can't even check
to see if beauty has happened to me yet,
for fear of looking into a mirror for too long
only to find a person i haven't met before,
or to sink into the mirror universe and never come back.

and now beauty doesn't matter to me at all,
because even if i am beautiful,
or if they say that i am,
it is not my beauty and it is not me
walking around in this body all day long, being beautiful.
i cannot own what is hers,
i can only sit and watch
so how could it matter,
what good is it to me?

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(no subject)

Oct. 21st, 2006 | 07:30 pm
mood: blahblah

i can't believe this shit.i am never leaving my house again

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(no subject)

Jul. 5th, 2006 | 07:04 pm
mood: geekygeeky

oh my god.im tellin you, never fall asleep watching the twilight zone or else you will have some weird ass dreams man.

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its hot

May. 25th, 2006 | 05:04 pm
location: home
mood: hothot
music: angel y khriz "de lao a lao"

its so fuckin hot and humid today its kinda disgusting.the other day me and grace realized that we have alot of issues and we were gonna drink our problems away but then i went home and fell asleep as usual.what can i say.later homes

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(no subject)

May. 15th, 2006 | 02:10 pm

okay, im not gonna write any more crazy shit, drunk or sober.im done with that.

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Apr. 15th, 2006 | 02:43 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful

you know,i'm so glad that the weather is finally changing.it brings a feeling that maybe things are going to change for the better now.i feel somewhat hopeful.

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Apr. 14th, 2006 | 11:48 pm
mood: boredbored
music: gym class heroes (thanx grace)

omg i'm like sooooo bored ,totally bored you know what i'm saying nigga?yeah righteous dudes, i aint gots nuttin to do but this bullshit,know what i mean dawg.for reals nigga.holla at cho gurl!

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Apr. 14th, 2006 | 02:41 pm
mood: infuriatedinfuriated
music: none of yo buisness

i hate my cats.i cant believe he has the balls to fucking walk out of the gate in front of my face like he runs this shit.i gave him a home,i gave him food,i gave him LOVE!!!what could he possibly find on those streets that he can't have here! and after all we been through together!but you know what, those streets are gritty and nasty and he will come scrathching at my door soon enough.ain't that about a bitch!

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