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On Beauty

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Dec. 19th, 2006 | 12:15 am

everyone used to tell me that when i grew up,
i would be very beautiful. then i grew up,
and it didn't happen that way.

then, last night i dreamed that i was a cocaine addict
and everyone said that i was getting too skinny and unrecognizable,
but when i looked at myself in the mirror,
i was still the same.

and they used to say that my skin was too yellow,
that i wasn't brown or black or white, but yellow.
and then one day i was in a hospital bed,
and i couldn't understand anything except that i had to pee,
and so a lady took me to a bathroom
where i looked into the mirror and i saw
that i had no color at all anymore,
and that i was as white as the walls behind me.

and back in the day,
people used to tell me that i looked as if
i had gotten socked in both eyes, everyday,
and that if got some sleep,
the dark circles around my eyes wouldn't look so dark.
but today is December 18 and January is just around the corner,
and i think it is safe to say
that i have slept away a year of my life,
and my eyes wouldn't show it still.

then there was a time when i thought that
i had beauty but then i ruined it and i could never be that way again,
and so i became ugly.
but then i realized that it was just my arms that were ugly,
and not the rest of me,
then i became salvageable.

and then i've been in places where beauty didn't matter,
could not have mattered,
and i've been in situations where beauty could not get me out of.
then i saw that beauty could not save anyone from anything,
and it became useless to me.

and now i can't even check
to see if beauty has happened to me yet,
for fear of looking into a mirror for too long
only to find a person i haven't met before,
or to sink into the mirror universe and never come back.

and now beauty doesn't matter to me at all,
because even if i am beautiful,
or if they say that i am,
it is not my beauty and it is not me
walking around in this body all day long, being beautiful.
i cannot own what is hers,
i can only sit and watch
so how could it matter,
what good is it to me?

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